The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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