Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
