i don't want you to think of me as your TA
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
