batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize