you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize