Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
