I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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