apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
a search helicopter?!
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
