Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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