she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize