wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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