I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
