Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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