Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
