I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
