I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
