No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
