Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
