I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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