My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
