sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize