I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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