am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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