This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need a beard to bite.
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