I can text with my tongue
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
