This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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