i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
even my farts smell like vagina
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
