You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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