my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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