You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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