I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize