i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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