so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
