i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
