I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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