Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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