but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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