god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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