It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
