I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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