Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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