I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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