I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
