this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
