I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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