My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
