i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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