So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
