just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
