What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
