I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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