You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
