wakey wakey hands off snakey
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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