HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize