I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
