I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
