I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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