his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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