right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
