And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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