Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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