Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
