Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
